I made a resolution in church today to forgive myself, forgive him, and forgive the entire situation. For so long, I had concentrated on forgetting and moving on and even sometimes revenge. But forgiveness had never been an option- I wanted to hold all of my pain close to me, nurture it, let it make me cold. But I realize now that that was the completely wrong path to be going down. The only way I will find peace within myself and within the situation is to forgive. I wallowed in it for a quarter. I relived and reexperienced much of what I felt last year and the year before that. I'm ready to take a healthy step forward. I'm ready to move on with no pain, with no grudges, with no resentment.
I can only pray that God will help me on this one. I've been trying to do it on my own for so long; but while I was listening to a guest speaker at our church today during the Festival of Renewal, it clicked and it made sense and I knew it was the right thing to do. I think first I have to forgive myself. And after that, I can move forward.
Autumn is just beginning. A little over 2 years later, I am ready to end this chapter.