..bella.. (brilliantchaos) wrote,

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sunday afternoon

Going to church is like washing my face. All day, the oil builds up on my skin and in my pores and then at the end of the day, I wash it clean and I'm left feeling refreshed and tingly. It's the same with church. I come to it, covered in the grime of the week, worn down, and feeling as Godless as ever. And when I leave, I feel refreshed and cleansed and I have renewed hope that this week will go okay.

I made a resolution in church today to forgive myself, forgive him, and forgive the entire situation. For so long, I had concentrated on forgetting and moving on and even sometimes revenge. But forgiveness had never been an option- I wanted to hold all of my pain close to me, nurture it, let it make me cold. But I realize now that that was the completely wrong path to be going down. The only way I will find peace within myself and within the situation is to forgive. I wallowed in it for a quarter. I relived and reexperienced much of what I felt last year and the year before that. I'm ready to take a healthy step forward. I'm ready to move on with no pain, with no grudges, with no resentment.

I can only pray that God will help me on this one. I've been trying to do it on my own for so long; but while I was listening to a guest speaker at our church today during the Festival of Renewal, it clicked and it made sense and I knew it was the right thing to do. I think first I have to forgive myself. And after that, I can move forward.

Autumn is just beginning. A little over 2 years later, I am ready to end this chapter.
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