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Monday, October 27th, 2003
8:38 pm - new journal!

New friends-only journal. Add me there please- I am currently in the process of adding all of my current friends into this journal. Which might take awhile, considering the recent slowness of my computer. Nevertheless, I will have all of you added soon and I hope that you add me as well :)

I'm not sure if I'll still use this journal or not. It's a possibility, but right now I'm concentration on /_skyline.
14 fell from the sky // tumble
Sunday, October 26th, 2003
4:40 pm - wallflower
wrap your arms around infinity
      this moment won't last long.
you're falling towards me
i'm waiting to see where you will land.
      constellations press upon me
      echoes of dreams we shared
(once upon a time.)

listen closely
to the beat of the night.
he knew what he was saying
when he said
      i swear
      we were infinite.
11 fell from the sky // tumble
1:30 pm - you are my sunshine
The sun has come to the decision today that it is much too busy to show up in the sky, and it has other arrangements. So it sent the rain instead, to keep us occupied.

I'm fighting my feelings of loneliness. Keeping my mind on the coming week and what I hope to be doing on Halloween helps.

Right now, I am wearing around my neck this black and white scarf I got from Target, and on my head a fuzzy white hat I bought from Burlington Coat Factory last year. I feel as though I should grab my camera and go walk around downtown, taking pictures. But of course, the rain causes a slight obstacle in those plans.

I'm thinking I want to get a new journal and make it friends-only. That way, I can put a link up on my website without worrying about my offline friends (besides Lily) reading it. Would anyone be willing to lend me a code?

Oh, and for those who enjoy message boards, The Reload Boards are positively wonderful. It's a relatively small community (166 members, but about 50 active members), and we've never had the problem with internet drama or cliques. We're all very open, friendly, and would love to have you.

I'm sorry for all of the miscellaneous bits of information. I'll post a more focused entry later.

current mood: calm
2 fell from the sky // tumble
Saturday, October 25th, 2003
3:25 pm - i'm lonely.
And when you're feeling lonely and it's pressing down on you like a heavy weight, when you can't seem to move and your brain isn't thinking and the wheels have stopped turning and your feet are sighing and wanting to stay in one place and your mouth is stale with the taste of anger and jealousy and sheer mental boredom...

I am uninspired, uncaptivated. I want to caress creativity again, I want to feel it in me again, but right now I am sucked dry of all of it, I cannot write one beautiful word. I am dizzy, I am sad, and it all fell over so quickly. Unmotivated, unhappy, feeling the irritation at the base of my spine.

Why have my weekends been so depressingly lonely lately?

current mood: blank
7 fell from the sky // tumble
Friday, October 24th, 2003
9:37 pm - lyrics are wonderful.
The time I would spend with pictures I would not send.
I watched you go from left to right.
I followed you all night across my blinds.
You'll change your mind come Monday and turn your back on me.
You'll take your steps away with hesitance.
Take your steps away from me.
I'm making my peace, making it with distance.
Maybe that's a big mistake.
You know I'm thinking of you.
I miss you.

If there is any way to describe my emotions right now, that is it.
4 fell from the sky // tumble
9:16 pm - superhero
Make it your goal each day to be a superhero in ordinary clothes.

My friend is having some problems right now, and she's putting forth that huge question- "What is life's purpose?" I think that life's purpose is for you to live it to your best possible efforts. It's for you to positively influence as many people as you can, for you to achieve as much happiness as possible, for you to be doing what you love every moment of your day. Maybe life in general has no distinct purpose, but your life does. Everyone was put here for a reason. We're all living and breathing and co-existing and somehow, we all affect one another. I think it's in those relationships we share with other people that our purpose becomes clear.

But I try not to question it too often, because then I'm only left feeling doubtful.

I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.
Yeah, stumble until you crawl.
Sinking into sweet uncertainty.
If you're listening.
Are you listening?
Sing it back.
2 fell from the sky // tumble
Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
9:27 pm - bien, y tu?
I don't know, I guess so
I don't sleep, I dream
I'll settle with a cup of coffee,
but you know what I really need.

Pushing annoying and lonely thoughts to the back of my head has proved successful. I've been in a better mood this week than I have been in the recent past, and to top it all off, I went to the doctor's today and got my ears unclogged so I can officially hear again. It was getting aggravating, not being able to hear out of one ear and hardly out of the other, but now that I can, the amount of sound I hear is altogether alarming. I kept on jumping afterwards because I could hear my clothes rustle and could hear my friend talking on the other side of the room. It's silly, but it was pretty fun :)

So I'm doing pretty good right now. How are you doing, my lovely friend?

current mood: mellow
6 fell from the sky // tumble
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
5:37 pm - this is long guys, but stick with me. you might find it interesting.
My cousin is what most people like to call a "troubled teen". He smokes pot, gets bad grades even though he is really intelligent, and raises hell for his mom, who is raising him and his sister as a single mother. (His dad is in jail.) Just this August he accidentally burned their rented house down when he threw away a cigarette; now his mom is going to be buying them a new house with little help from the insurance company. I hadn't talked to him in months, maybe years, and when I finally did, within the first five minutes he goes "So you know I've been doing pot a lot, right?" And I said "Yeah", and he replied "Well it's basically because I have shit happiness in my life, so ya know, it drowns things out." He then proceeded to tell me all sorts of "funny" details about this. It's clearly all for attention. I'm a year younger than him, and I made it clear to him that I don't do any of that- his remark was completely out of place and was obviously there just because he wanted to talk about it.

My mother is sending him a very lengthy letter, and every woman in her bible study is as well. They've been praying for him since May, but nothing's getting any better. Our relatives have been trying to get through to him for ages, but to no avail. He's not clinically depressed- he's just a "troubled teen."

I've found out some things about my family's background- that of when I was younger and didn't catch on to things- that is rather disconcerting. It makes me all the more thankful for the stable family I have now. My parents have been married for 21 years and they have a strong marriage. I realize that I've taken for granted all these years what kind of a family I have. I don't fight with my sister, I don't fight with my father, and fights with my mom aren't all that common anymore. We're just not a yelling household. My sister and I may roll our eyes at my mother's Cleaver-esque ideals, but we're thankful for them anyways, because we know that it's because of those ideals we're not out partying every weekend, getting drunk and high. We were raised in a household that perhaps was more introverted and reserved than I wish for sometimes, but one that taught us the basic "do's" and "don'ts" of life.

I suppose this entry and the one before this are both reflections of my appreciation for my life. I have always known I am upper middle class, wealthier than millions of other people, and that I did nothing to deserve that, but I never really stopped to consider my home life either. So it's nice. And I'm glad. And for those who aren't as fortunate as me- well, I pray for all of you guys every night. For those who can't spend an evening at their house without hearing shouts and yells and sometimes things breaking, I'm sorry, and I hope that things improve. And even more, I hope that you don't carry those habits of your parents into your adulthood, because that is possibly one of the saddest things ever.

It's a beautiful day outside, and I'm going to go get ready for the last service of the Festival of Renewal at my church. (I don't think I've ever spoken so much and openly about my faith before on this.)
2 fell from the sky // tumble
Sunday, October 19th, 2003
1:51 pm - sunday afternoon
Going to church is like washing my face. All day, the oil builds up on my skin and in my pores and then at the end of the day, I wash it clean and I'm left feeling refreshed and tingly. It's the same with church. I come to it, covered in the grime of the week, worn down, and feeling as Godless as ever. And when I leave, I feel refreshed and cleansed and I have renewed hope that this week will go okay.

I made a resolution in church today to forgive myself, forgive him, and forgive the entire situation. For so long, I had concentrated on forgetting and moving on and even sometimes revenge. But forgiveness had never been an option- I wanted to hold all of my pain close to me, nurture it, let it make me cold. But I realize now that that was the completely wrong path to be going down. The only way I will find peace within myself and within the situation is to forgive. I wallowed in it for a quarter. I relived and reexperienced much of what I felt last year and the year before that. I'm ready to take a healthy step forward. I'm ready to move on with no pain, with no grudges, with no resentment.

I can only pray that God will help me on this one. I've been trying to do it on my own for so long; but while I was listening to a guest speaker at our church today during the Festival of Renewal, it clicked and it made sense and I knew it was the right thing to do. I think first I have to forgive myself. And after that, I can move forward.

Autumn is just beginning. A little over 2 years later, I am ready to end this chapter.

current mood: hopeful
5 fell from the sky // tumble
Saturday, October 18th, 2003
3:41 pm - aspirations       (i'm just a dreamer)
I want to be your infinity, I want to be your lovely one.

I want to bathe in the pools of moonlight beneath a Parisian sky.

I want to write and express everything that lies inside of me.

I want to travel your mind, seek to understand the way you work.

I want to live with spontaneity, I want to feel as though there are no ties holding me down.

During my lifetime, I hope to accomplish the following:

& travel across Europe
& learn how to blow glass
& own a second home on the Mediterranean Sea
& have a career that fascinates me
& attend a college in New England
& visit Hollywood
& write a screenplay
& find the right person to love
& wear a sundress on a Parisian balcony
& sip sangria at dusk in Spain
& ride an elephant
& swim in the Pacific Ocean
& go to a wine tasting festival in Southern France

& learn how to be me.
6 fell from the sky // tumble
1:29 pm - it's an ordinary black and white day
photographic ruins

you can try to save me in your snapshot
      but I'll just run away.
12:21 pm
I am over him I am over him I don't need him I don't need him he blocked me.

What the hell did I ever do to him?

current mood: annoyed
4 fell from the sky // tumble
Friday, October 17th, 2003
3:52 pm - daylight
It is a magnificent day outside. You can breathe in autumn, you can see the turning leaves fall to the ground, creating a multicolored lawn. You can sense romance in the air; this is the season of love. This is the season of plunging deep into the world of possibilities, plunging deep into risks that may leave you heartbroken... but may produce something better than you ever imagined.

I was holding an animated conversation with a male friend of mine who I dig- and right in front of the boy who I have been trying to forget for so long. A sense of bitter pride overcame me; I knew he was standing behind me, listening to me talk to this other guy, and I wanted him to know that I don't need him, I don't rely on him... even though sometimes I think I do. Emotions complicate me. I can't seem to forget all of the pain, bitterness, anger, resentment, embarassment, and overall sadness that I associate with this one person. I can't seem to let it all go. And at the same time, I still want to be friends with him, still want to know him.

Perhaps autumn, with all of it's possibilities, it's cloudless days, it's cool weather, will strengthen me and perhaps lead me in the direction I really want to go.

I'm tired of being stuck in between my emotions.

current mood: kind of clearheaded
2 fell from the sky // tumble
Thursday, October 16th, 2003
9:39 pm - explodingdog.com
There is something wonderful about explodingdog.com. The idea behind it seems so simple at first... but it's really a very powerful site. I find I can often relate to the titles that are sent in.

I hate how you've changed.
Never really got to hold onto you.
Hey you, off my cloud.
Is that really all there is?
You're not funny anymore.
They said I was brilliant.
I wish I could forget.
Maybe it was never here.
I loved you at all the wrong times.
I think it is time for me to forget about you.

The simple elegance of that site is engaging.
2 fell from the sky // tumble
Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
8:48 pm - unfair.
so sometimes I wonder why I hold onto this
      it's not as though you care anymore

it's not as though you ever did.

but still I'm pursuing something
that's so clearly out of my grasp
and I wonder

      why am I putting myself through this?

the perfume of your existence
taunts me
I can't seem to escape you
I can't seem to make you another face in the crowd
I can't seem to forget you

I can't seem to stop wanting you.
4 fell from the sky // tumble
Monday, October 13th, 2003
11:55 am
dried flower petals

they soak up the earth
but they crumble and they fall
failures & weak

but for some reason

i love them.
2 fell from the sky // tumble
Sunday, October 12th, 2003
11:51 pm - a scatter brain attempt
you are the oleander scented perfect
perfume lingering in the streets
asphalt love
sinner with a vision
heavy hues of color that weigh down
my eyes
spirals that send a black and white message
wine spills onto the pavement.

(midnight musings.)
5:00 pm - design
Lily and I were searching the web around 1 am last night for Chinese-inspired bedrooms because that's the theme she wants to redecorate her bedroom in. I stumbled across the BBC Home Design page. This is by far the coolest page ever created. It has a room for every possible theme- Oriental, vintage, art nouveau, Moulin Rouge, Hollywood, retro, pink, romantic, minimalist, Gucci-inspired, Pucci-inspired, Indian, you name it, and you can probably find a room on it. I want to redecorate my room so bad. Some of the rooms I really loved:

And I'm sure there were more, but you don't need to see all of them. So yeah. The New York Times had a special "Home Design" magazine in their paper today. That just adds to my need to redecorate my room. Hopefully, it'll be soon...
14 fell from the sky // tumble
Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
4:24 pm
I'm sorry for not posting more often in this. (Or at least, for not posting anything meaningful) I'm concentration on my site and it's hard to blog more than once in different journals and still be creative with what you have to say.

I found out today that the chicken chalupa I love from Taco Bell has 400 calories- yikes! I guess I should have expected that... but argh, it's annoying. Why does fast food have to be so good and so bad for you? It's a conspiracy.
6 fell from the sky // tumble
Monday, October 6th, 2003
9:55 pm
The best TV show in the world is clearly, absolutely, 100% EVERWOOD. I am obsessed, really. (As if that isn't obvious...)
2 fell from the sky // tumble
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